Updated: Mar 14, 2020
Before you tell me off for being negative and being silly there is just some things I need to say and want you to know. We are now about to start a new journey together one that I hope ends the way it started, with both of us. I would love to say this letter is romantic and something out of a Cecila Ahern novel but it’s far from it. It’s almost even crueler to be writing like this because I am still here and got no plans but so scared of what might come our way. I think of how different things might of been had we of known before having our son how real this HD this is. No matter how much I can day dream of it and know we would of at least of stopped our son having it, he wouldn’t be him and we wouldn’t be who we are now. The truth is you have been my dream come true right from the get go and accepted me for all my flaws and my past but like the past I can’t change this and make your life easier. Yes you will be reading this now thinking why is she speaking like this, whatever happens I will still be here. Honestly I think that’s what hurts most that you are Mr Positive and have always had an amazing outlook on life, living each day to the full. I envy you and want you to have everything you deserve. I don’t want there to be a day that we are not us and you are my carer and it holds you back. I don’t want something to happen to me and then the only thing that holds us together, our son falls victim to the same fate and you have to watch on helplessly. This is the point you’ll be thinking, yep she’s crazy and be asking me to come and talk to you but I need you to finish reading this. It’s because of you that even thinking this way, I see a light at the end. I see our son grow and know that you’ve help make the most precious gift in the world and he needs me. He needs me to be like his Daddy. I need to be strong and fight this thing to the end whatever the result maybe. I have to see it through and know that’s tossing the coin even at 50:50, I need to believe I have luck on my side. The first few weeks of having our son I felt the last year finding you, moving in together, falling pregnant and now being a family every bit of luck was on my side, now I’m scared it’s running out. But I’m not going to let that stop me, I will make my own luck, I will carry on and be real. I won’t hide or sit in silence, I will scream and shout our story so people know that this situation can happen to anyone and any family. I want to thank you not just for my life, our family and son but for the courage, honesty and friendship being with you has given me. Yes this is our life but now in such a long time I’m starting to realise how perfectly imperfect is it and as much as the future can wait, I can’t wait to continue living it with you. We are the A team always. Bring it on.
Love Always and Forever,